Everything can't be low self-esteem, can it?

Sometimes, I need a punch in the face to bring me back to Earth. Don't get me wrong, I'm by no means a masochist (although I do enjoy fingernails digging into the skin of my back dur- Actually, that's not important), but every now and then I find myself lost in reverie. I can wander around in my dreams forever unless someone socks it to me... hard. I don't know if this is a bad thing, but I do know that I should definitely start participating more as opposed to standing on the sidelines. It's something I'll definitely need to work on.

Sometimes, I end my sentences in prepositions. "....need to work on." I mean, we all do. But, since I was in high school all I've ever heard was "DON'T END YOUR SENTENCES IN PREPOSITIONS WHILE YOU'RE WRITING!" and "NO SPLIT INFINITIVES!" I listened to my teachers then; however, I recently just decided to call bullshit on those rules and any similar ones. You don't need rules to be a good writer. I mean, a storyline or point of some sort, those I can see as necessary. Any other rules are completely irrelevant. As long as it flows well and makes sense, it's fine. These thoughts further influence my ideas about returning to school. If I go back to college, my intended major is creative writing. Granted, four years of practice and critiques could definitely improve my skills, but I'm afraid of my writing being dictated. Last semester, I listened to my instructors advice over everything. In the end, I liked the original better. Well, whatever I decide, I'll be content.

Sometimes, I wish I could be paid just to hang out with people. I read Chris' Chinese Horoscope the other day, and it stated that his ideal job is a salesman. Well, he is, and he's damn good at it too. Next, I checked mine. My ideal job? An escort. My first thought was "What the fuck?" but upon further reflection, besides the whole "fucking strangers" thing, it could definitely work out. Well, I mean, I'd like to be paid to be my clever, witty, clumsy self among others, but I don't really see that working out. I do need some sort of income though. This whole being "broke as a mother fucker" thing won't fly much longer.

Sometimes, I like to hide behind my hair. I'm not sure why I use this mess of tangles as a security blanket but I do. I like to keep it short because it's thick, and I'm too lazy to take care of long hair. But, I find myself covering my face with it at times. For instance, Chris and I could be lying on our uncomfortable futon, and he'll turn over and smile at me. Of course, I grin back, but then I brush my hair over my face to cover me. If he tries to brush it back, I dig my face into the crotch of the Jason, the red Power Ranger (we have MMPR pillowcases.) and hide. It is possible that I lack self confidence, and that's why I do this. That's what everyone who knows me would probably say. But, that's not it. I think I just get nervous sometimes. I love Chris, and I know he loves me, but I'm still fucking awkward, and I still get nervous. Still, I'm more comfortable with him than I've been with anyone else.

Sometimes, I spend all day pondering my religion. I don't really want to go into detail about it now. There's too many ideas and beliefs I have for that. But, with Easter tomorrow, it's hard for me to take my mind off it. Expect an entire post on that tomorrow.

Every time I look outside
Makes me feel so young and alive
Why I chase such a useless burn
Now just a whiff makes my stomach turn
And it poisons my body and it turns my mind
Talk real slow but it feels real fine
If you gotta puke man, go outside
'Cus killing myself makes me feel alive

Sometimes, I like listening to mix CDs I made in 8th grade. I hate the person I was then, but I love most of the music I listened to. It was a mixture of street punk, oi, pop punk, and (as much as I hate to admit it) anything that made me want to cry. During the day, I'd go from listening to this insane assimilation of The Casualties, Rancid, and Good Charlotte (yeah, I know.) during the day and pretending to have this "I don't give a fuck" attitude, and then at night I didn't give a shit what was playing as long as it was loud and my mom couldn't hear me sobbing from the cuts I made in my arm. I don't talk about this point of my life much. I don't really like thinking about it either, but, I still love those CDs. They helped me grow. It sucks pretty hard that none of them will play anymore, but I intend on downloading most of the same stuff soon. It's weird, but I like to be reminded of my past so I can make my future better.

This was all just a long, drawn out way of saying that I'm weird. I'm awkward. I'm fucked up. I get fucked up. But, I'm fucking happy. I'm content with myself. I'm confident in my decisions.

And, I don't really need you. If you're in my life, it's because I want you to be. Know, that unlike everyone else you will meet, I don't have any expectations from you. I spend time with you or help you out because I want to, not because you're going to owe me for it later. Know that if you're in my life, it's because I love you.