For example, last night Chris and I are lying on the futon trying to to sleep. As always, I'm being the same clingy bitch I always am, and I'm super close to him. He rolls around a couple of times before he wakes up and readjusts our futon. Since it's broken it's slightly angled on my side, and that pushes me just a tad bit closer to him. He could have been doing this for a plethora of reasons like the angle hurt his back or something of the sort. I convince myself that I'm crowding him, and take my pillow and hug the wall for a while. I hide my face because I feel like I'm going to start crying. After a few minutes of me trying to talk myself out of being sad, he turns over in his sleep and puts his arm around me.
The point of this story is that I have got to relax. I have to realize that everything that happens is not someone's way of telling me to leave them alone.
On a similar note, I keep having different nightmares that relate to the same thing. In the end, I end up being dumped by Chris for someone who I feel is better than me. Subconsciously, I have this fear that everyone I love will leave me. I don't want to sound cliche by any means, but the only conclusion I can conjure is that when my dad left me in North Carolina for a lady he just met a couple of weeks ago to live in Florida, it fucked me royally. This lady was better for my dad than I was. Now, I feel as though everyone I love has someone out there who is better for them. I'm just afraid of the moment they actually meet so said person.
In January my tarot card/palm reader told me about my relationship. He said that it's strength would be the innocence to it. He said it would be almost childlike. It'd be easy, fun, and happy. He also said that the weakness would be my inability to let shit go. I don't think I've ever believed him as much as I do now.
I want to be one hundred percent comfortable around Chris, and sometimes I am. I'm just insanely inconsistent, and it bugs the hell out of me.
But, could this really even be my dad's fault?
Now that I'm speculating, I'm worried I may be doing the same thing to my mom by moving to Portland. I love her dearly, I do. It's just that I can't stay here. I can't stay in North Carolina. Moving to Wilmington showed me that there was more to the world than broken down gas stations, Wal Mart, the longing everyone has to leave. I know half the people in my hometown don't want to be there. My mom even says she wants to move. I ask her why she hasn't, and she says she's waiting for my sister to graduate from the same school. After that, she'll be waiting on my grandmother to die because she doesn't want to leave her. In essence, it's one excuse after the other. I don't have those. I don't have a reason to stay. And, I hope that I'm not hurting my mom because I'm giving her a fair warning, and I'm letting her know that I still care about her, and she will always hold an important place in my chest.
As for now, I just go home from chilling with Lauren. We smoked, listened to music, and ate donuts. I hate that Chris had to work all day. I miss him.
Stop being clingy.
Fuck it.
I need a shower, and the apartment needs tidying.
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