Let's see where I'm at right now.
Kayleah's leaving for California tonight. I still haven't talked to Justin to see if it would be cool if I went to the airport with them. In all honesty, I don't really want to go. I mean, I want to hug Kayleah goodbye and bid her farewell, but I don't want to be stuck in a car with Justin and Heather for three hours on the way home. I'd feel like a terribly huge third wheel the entire time.
A lady is coming by soon to see if she has any interest on taking Milky off my hands. She seems fairly confident that she wants him, but I'm afraid her mind will change once she meets him. I'm sorry that I can't take care of him anymore. I love him to death, but there's no room in this tiny apartment, and I don't have the time or money to care for him like I used to.
I just spent a couple of hours with Chris's friends while he was at work. I agreed to give Ben and Heather a ride to pick up Nick from the airport in hopes of maybe overcoming my awkwardness around them. I managed to loosen up a little, but I still need to work a bit on my social skills. They're all pretty fun and awesome people though. I just hope they don't take my overwhelming need to stay quiet as rudeness.
I have negative $2.09 in my account right now. Those overdraft fees are going to be a bitch when they post. Fuck Chris' need for cigarettes.
I hope soon I can take some shit out of these boxes and maybe it won't look so awful in my apartment.
In other news around The Creek apartments, Peaches found a bicycle in front of the dumpster. He's outside touching up a few spots with spray paint. It's missing a seat, but it's a pretty awesome find. After a couple of hours of coughing from spray paint, it's pretty impressive. I just noticed that he also painted the pedals.
Ahhh, today is a good day.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
I just kept quiet and looked around. And I noticed things. The dots on the ceiling.
My granny gives me cheap delicious frozen pizzas.
I give my sister money for something I know will kill her health.
Whatever makes everyone happy.
It's a beautiful day.
I have pizza and tea in my belly.
I got thirteen bucks in my bank account.
It should be a pretty good day.
I just wish there wasn't so much tension in this place.
If everyone could stop acting like twelve year old girls, maybe this could have been done in a less awkward manner.
Too bad I can't afford alcohol tonight.
I give my sister money for something I know will kill her health.
Whatever makes everyone happy.
It's a beautiful day.
I have pizza and tea in my belly.
I got thirteen bucks in my bank account.
It should be a pretty good day.
I just wish there wasn't so much tension in this place.
If everyone could stop acting like twelve year old girls, maybe this could have been done in a less awkward manner.
Too bad I can't afford alcohol tonight.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Maybe these are my glory days and I’m not even realizing it because they don’t involve a ball.
Once again, I feel pretty stoked about today.
Amber's here.
The sun's being extra nice to us all.
And, Chris is coming home later.
Yesterday was quite odd. I agreed to go on a scavenger hunt with my friend Alex. Before his arrival he asked me to remove any piercings and wear something "cute."
I assumed it was a casual scavenger hunt with his church or something of the like, so I took out the pincher in my septum and put on a pair of jeans and a tie dye shirt.
When he pulls up, I notice he's wearing khaki pants and this hideous blue polo. Me, being the lazy bitch I am, decides against changing, and Kayleah and I head to his car.
On his dash I notice the scavenger hunt invitation. In big bold letters and some ungodly script font it reads, "Debutantes of 2010 and Sons of Cotillion Scavenger Hunt!"
All I keep remembering asking myself is what the hell did I agree to?
I went along, still. We dropped Kayleah's off at my mom's, and met our team mates in a gas station near Downtown Whiteville. We followed them back to our team leader's house, and against every gut feeling in my body, I climbed in the car with them.
The driver had pretty brown hair, and she wore a cute sweater. On top of that, she was high strung, dramatic, competitive as hell valedictorian who yelled every order, insisted on driving seventy down every highway, and almost killed us all numerous times.
The passenger was her boyfriend, quiet and whipped as hell.
Alex and I sat in the back. While he giggled and offered suggestions for the hunt, I gripped tightly to my "oh shit" handle with one hand, and sent a text message to Lauren about my demise that I was sure would occur in this blue Volvo with my other.
Surprisingly, we live. We turn in our items, and wait outside for other teams to arrive.
As they all mix and mingle together, I can't help but look around and wonder to myself how odd it is that we're all made of the same material, but we're all so different. We're all skin stretched over bones, membranes separating organs, double helix DNA. But, somehow we all manage to think differently. Obviously, this is a good thing. I love the fact that every person is unique. It's just mind-blowing to think about.
I told Alex this, and I want to say he called me weird, but I can't remember.
Nevertheless, he and I carried on with our usual conversations about boyfriends/girlfriends, hookah, drugs, and alcohol, while consuming some salad drenched in ranch and horribly prepared lasagna.
Before I go on, I have to say that I hate ranch and that lasagna was the worst meal since my mom put garden peas, hamburger meat, and tomato sauce together and called it dinner, but I believe if it's free and you are a guest, every bite should be eaten. So, I stuck my principles and devoured every morsel without complaint.
Anyway, in the midst of all that, a guy I went to high school with asked us some questions. The first one was easy.
"So, are you guys dating now?"
"NO. Serious face. No."
The next one, not so much.
"How are you guys doing in school?"
Alex? Oh, he's doing fine. Me? I'm failing like a mother fucker and refuse to go back to UNCW next semester. Of course, I don't tell him this. I just smile and say I think I might transfer.
The guy interrogating us? Well, he's going to Carolina next year. This doesn't surprise me at all. Everyone I ever disliked in high school is at that college, but I hope that he enjoys it. No sarcasm there. He was nice.
It was a great relief when the crazy girl who drove us was ready to go. The only problem was Alex wanted to stop at her house to use the restroom before we left in his Honda.
We walk inside. Her dad greets me with a hug and invites me to the kitchen. This makes me smile and I'm comfortable until I reach the table. Crazy driver and her mom are talking shit about everyone we competed against and their mothers.
"Oh, look at her. Did they finally sell some real estate so she could afford another dress?"
"Was Kathy drunk as hell when you got there?"
"Sherry must have made the lasagna. It was disgusting."
"They wouldn't let me win because I'm your daughter and blahblahblah."
I don't like negative atmospheres. I don't understand them. I don't get how putting other people down can make you feel good about yourself. I didn't know how to go about defending those people without offending these people.
All I could do was stand there and keep quiet.
The greatest relief was when Alex finally rounded the corner. While we walked to his car, I explained to him my confusion about this family.
He called me a hippie and told me I should have been there last weekend when they were stalking "whores" on Facebook.
We decided to get Amber and Kayleah and go ghost hunting in Wilmington. An activity that we failed miserably because we couldn't find the cemetery in the dark.
But, on the way home I tried to think. I tried to piece parts of my day together. I really do need a little self reflection every day, and as I was trying to do it, Alex kept interrupting with some random thought because he didn't want it to be awkwardly silent. In retrospect, I could have waited until I got home to do this, but I always feel more comfortable thinking in cars. This could be a reason for my careless driving.
Either way, I couldn't think, but last thing I wanted to do was tell him to shut up.
After getting lost on Hooker Road while trying to find a graveyard, Alex went home, and Amber and Kayleah followed me into Chris' room because Justin was watching TV in the living room.
After watching every funny SNL and Mad TV Skit on Youtube, they finally left. I fell asleep instantly, no time for reflection.
I suppose this could be considered my reflection. I just feel as though I've left so much out. Fuck if I know. I guess it's not really important anymore.
I don't feel like worrying about yesterday right now. I need to shower and check on Milky before Chris gets here.
I also need to spend time with my sister before I cling to Chris after not seeing him for three days.
Today's going to be fantastic.
Amber's here.
The sun's being extra nice to us all.
And, Chris is coming home later.
Yesterday was quite odd. I agreed to go on a scavenger hunt with my friend Alex. Before his arrival he asked me to remove any piercings and wear something "cute."
I assumed it was a casual scavenger hunt with his church or something of the like, so I took out the pincher in my septum and put on a pair of jeans and a tie dye shirt.
When he pulls up, I notice he's wearing khaki pants and this hideous blue polo. Me, being the lazy bitch I am, decides against changing, and Kayleah and I head to his car.
On his dash I notice the scavenger hunt invitation. In big bold letters and some ungodly script font it reads, "Debutantes of 2010 and Sons of Cotillion Scavenger Hunt!"
All I keep remembering asking myself is what the hell did I agree to?
I went along, still. We dropped Kayleah's off at my mom's, and met our team mates in a gas station near Downtown Whiteville. We followed them back to our team leader's house, and against every gut feeling in my body, I climbed in the car with them.
The driver had pretty brown hair, and she wore a cute sweater. On top of that, she was high strung, dramatic, competitive as hell valedictorian who yelled every order, insisted on driving seventy down every highway, and almost killed us all numerous times.
The passenger was her boyfriend, quiet and whipped as hell.
Alex and I sat in the back. While he giggled and offered suggestions for the hunt, I gripped tightly to my "oh shit" handle with one hand, and sent a text message to Lauren about my demise that I was sure would occur in this blue Volvo with my other.
Surprisingly, we live. We turn in our items, and wait outside for other teams to arrive.
As they all mix and mingle together, I can't help but look around and wonder to myself how odd it is that we're all made of the same material, but we're all so different. We're all skin stretched over bones, membranes separating organs, double helix DNA. But, somehow we all manage to think differently. Obviously, this is a good thing. I love the fact that every person is unique. It's just mind-blowing to think about.
I told Alex this, and I want to say he called me weird, but I can't remember.
Nevertheless, he and I carried on with our usual conversations about boyfriends/girlfriends, hookah, drugs, and alcohol, while consuming some salad drenched in ranch and horribly prepared lasagna.
Before I go on, I have to say that I hate ranch and that lasagna was the worst meal since my mom put garden peas, hamburger meat, and tomato sauce together and called it dinner, but I believe if it's free and you are a guest, every bite should be eaten. So, I stuck my principles and devoured every morsel without complaint.
Anyway, in the midst of all that, a guy I went to high school with asked us some questions. The first one was easy.
"So, are you guys dating now?"
"NO. Serious face. No."
The next one, not so much.
"How are you guys doing in school?"
Alex? Oh, he's doing fine. Me? I'm failing like a mother fucker and refuse to go back to UNCW next semester. Of course, I don't tell him this. I just smile and say I think I might transfer.
The guy interrogating us? Well, he's going to Carolina next year. This doesn't surprise me at all. Everyone I ever disliked in high school is at that college, but I hope that he enjoys it. No sarcasm there. He was nice.
It was a great relief when the crazy girl who drove us was ready to go. The only problem was Alex wanted to stop at her house to use the restroom before we left in his Honda.
We walk inside. Her dad greets me with a hug and invites me to the kitchen. This makes me smile and I'm comfortable until I reach the table. Crazy driver and her mom are talking shit about everyone we competed against and their mothers.
"Oh, look at her. Did they finally sell some real estate so she could afford another dress?"
"Was Kathy drunk as hell when you got there?"
"Sherry must have made the lasagna. It was disgusting."
"They wouldn't let me win because I'm your daughter and blahblahblah."
I don't like negative atmospheres. I don't understand them. I don't get how putting other people down can make you feel good about yourself. I didn't know how to go about defending those people without offending these people.
All I could do was stand there and keep quiet.
The greatest relief was when Alex finally rounded the corner. While we walked to his car, I explained to him my confusion about this family.
He called me a hippie and told me I should have been there last weekend when they were stalking "whores" on Facebook.
We decided to get Amber and Kayleah and go ghost hunting in Wilmington. An activity that we failed miserably because we couldn't find the cemetery in the dark.
But, on the way home I tried to think. I tried to piece parts of my day together. I really do need a little self reflection every day, and as I was trying to do it, Alex kept interrupting with some random thought because he didn't want it to be awkwardly silent. In retrospect, I could have waited until I got home to do this, but I always feel more comfortable thinking in cars. This could be a reason for my careless driving.
Either way, I couldn't think, but last thing I wanted to do was tell him to shut up.
After getting lost on Hooker Road while trying to find a graveyard, Alex went home, and Amber and Kayleah followed me into Chris' room because Justin was watching TV in the living room.
After watching every funny SNL and Mad TV Skit on Youtube, they finally left. I fell asleep instantly, no time for reflection.
I suppose this could be considered my reflection. I just feel as though I've left so much out. Fuck if I know. I guess it's not really important anymore.
I don't feel like worrying about yesterday right now. I need to shower and check on Milky before Chris gets here.
I also need to spend time with my sister before I cling to Chris after not seeing him for three days.
Today's going to be fantastic.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
I hope it's the kind of second side he can listen to whenever he drives alone and feel like he belongs to something whenever he's sad.
I really want to read The Perks of Being a Wallflower again.
I'm just too lazy to retrieve it from my home.
For some reason, I've been reading random quotes from the book, and it feels like it fits. I don't know where it fits, but it just does.
Aside from the ending, I somehow feel as though I can relate to Charlie. Being able to relate to something is important to understanding it, to learning from it.
The truth is, I'm still learning. I'm still growing up.
To be honest, I never want to stop.
What are we doing here if we're not learning? If we're not growing?
Life can't exist and never change. All I can hope for is that the people I love grow with me and not away from me.
But, in the end...
"Things change. And, friends leave. And, life doesn't stop for anybody."
But, for now...
The alcohol's worn off. I'm entirely sober, and I feel tons better than I did a couple of hours ago.
Who would've figured sobriety as the answer?
I'm just too lazy to retrieve it from my home.
For some reason, I've been reading random quotes from the book, and it feels like it fits. I don't know where it fits, but it just does.
Aside from the ending, I somehow feel as though I can relate to Charlie. Being able to relate to something is important to understanding it, to learning from it.
The truth is, I'm still learning. I'm still growing up.
To be honest, I never want to stop.
What are we doing here if we're not learning? If we're not growing?
Life can't exist and never change. All I can hope for is that the people I love grow with me and not away from me.
But, in the end...
"Things change. And, friends leave. And, life doesn't stop for anybody."
But, for now...
The alcohol's worn off. I'm entirely sober, and I feel tons better than I did a couple of hours ago.
Who would've figured sobriety as the answer?
Friday, March 26, 2010
Mother I lost it, all of the fear of the Lord I was given
So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds, flying always over the mountain
Sometimes, I just want to go home. I'm not sure where that is right now, but I know it's not here or my mom's place. I just need to feel comfortable and whole.
Or, we could just shut down my liver and call it a day.
Sons are like birds, flying always over the mountain
Sometimes, I just want to go home. I'm not sure where that is right now, but I know it's not here or my mom's place. I just need to feel comfortable and whole.
Or, we could just shut down my liver and call it a day.
Baby, are you coming home tonight?
Me? I'm gone. I'm so far gone that I don't know if I was ever here. I'm not as far gone as I've been in the past, but I'm far enough to now where ever the fuck I am, I'm content.
I'm alive. I'm stumbling. I'm disconnected. I'm working. I'm trying to fix myself.
I'm not crying. I'm not complaining. I'm not looking for you mother fucking sympathy.
Sometimes, I feel disconnected. I don't feel like I'm a part of anything. I feel as though the world exists around me, and I'm forced to watch and damned to never participate. I usually don't get this feeling often, but the past couple of days have been hellish.
I don't know if it's because I miss Chris. I don't know if it's because I haven't decided what I need to do about school. I don't know what the fuck is going on in my head.
I have the ability to think about more than one thing at a time, and sometimes it confuses the fuck out of me. I don't know how I feel... about anything.
I just know that I want to feel like a part of the world. Like my existence is important.
In short, I'm drunk as a mother fucker right now, and nobody else is home.
I'm alive. I'm stumbling. I'm disconnected. I'm working. I'm trying to fix myself.
I'm not crying. I'm not complaining. I'm not looking for you mother fucking sympathy.
Sometimes, I feel disconnected. I don't feel like I'm a part of anything. I feel as though the world exists around me, and I'm forced to watch and damned to never participate. I usually don't get this feeling often, but the past couple of days have been hellish.
I don't know if it's because I miss Chris. I don't know if it's because I haven't decided what I need to do about school. I don't know what the fuck is going on in my head.
I have the ability to think about more than one thing at a time, and sometimes it confuses the fuck out of me. I don't know how I feel... about anything.
I just know that I want to feel like a part of the world. Like my existence is important.
In short, I'm drunk as a mother fucker right now, and nobody else is home.
So, this is my life. And, I want you to know that I am both happy and sad, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.
I hate the taste of beer, but right now, this Sparks is my best friend.
Alkaline Trio is a close second.
And, this comforter is third.
In all honesty, it tastes better after every swig.
I have yet to gather the motivation and energy require to ride to The Gypsy. It's very possible that I stay inside with Kayleah and play drunken Guitar Hero.
Fuck if I know.
Carolina Beach was fun today. I didn't skate, but walking around eating donuts and drinking Coke slushees with Kayleah and Lauren made me smile.
I filled out an application for the Scotchman with the "Career Opportunities Available" sign on Lake Park. Monday I plan on calling back or visiting every place where I filled out an application.
My desperation for a job increased exponentially when I last viewed my bank statement online. Twenty bucks isn't going to last much longer. I know that Chris will help me out, but I don't want to have to rely on him for anything.
I'm nineteen years old. I moved out of my mom's house a year ago. I don't think it would be healthy for me to have someone else take care of me, even though I know he would if necessary.
It's sad to say, but as much as I want to be self sufficient, I don't think that will ever be the case. I'll probably always need a room mate, a friend, a boyfriend, a family member or someone to help me out with bills. This could be motivation for me to stay in school, or it could be determination to keep my ties with those close to me strong.
My guess is it's actually neither.
I don't care about school right now. I hate UNCW. I'm so different from anyone there. I don't think they're better than me or that I'm better than them, I just feel as though they have a completely different mindset than I do. I don't believe this is a bad thing for me or them. I just feel as though a place that makes them happy will never do the same for me.
I also don't believe in forcing relationships. If I can't get along with you comfortably, I don't want to be around you. I don't want to talk to you. I certainly will not ask you for help.
Maybe my needs for other people will improve my social skills. They've been lacking for quite some time now.
I don't think of myself as shy. When I don't talk around someone, it's not because I'm unsure of myself. I'm unsure of them. I don't know them. I have no idea how to make them smile. I have no idea how to get them to pay attention to me. As a result, I study them for a while then slowly start to pull myself in conversations.
Sad to say, but this method doesn't usually work. I either get bored with someone quickly and stop caring, or there's not enough time for me to gain some sort of understanding of them.
Regardless, I'm happy with who I have for now.
Alkaline Trio is a close second.
And, this comforter is third.
In all honesty, it tastes better after every swig.
I have yet to gather the motivation and energy require to ride to The Gypsy. It's very possible that I stay inside with Kayleah and play drunken Guitar Hero.
Fuck if I know.
Carolina Beach was fun today. I didn't skate, but walking around eating donuts and drinking Coke slushees with Kayleah and Lauren made me smile.
I filled out an application for the Scotchman with the "Career Opportunities Available" sign on Lake Park. Monday I plan on calling back or visiting every place where I filled out an application.
My desperation for a job increased exponentially when I last viewed my bank statement online. Twenty bucks isn't going to last much longer. I know that Chris will help me out, but I don't want to have to rely on him for anything.
I'm nineteen years old. I moved out of my mom's house a year ago. I don't think it would be healthy for me to have someone else take care of me, even though I know he would if necessary.
It's sad to say, but as much as I want to be self sufficient, I don't think that will ever be the case. I'll probably always need a room mate, a friend, a boyfriend, a family member or someone to help me out with bills. This could be motivation for me to stay in school, or it could be determination to keep my ties with those close to me strong.
My guess is it's actually neither.
I don't care about school right now. I hate UNCW. I'm so different from anyone there. I don't think they're better than me or that I'm better than them, I just feel as though they have a completely different mindset than I do. I don't believe this is a bad thing for me or them. I just feel as though a place that makes them happy will never do the same for me.
I also don't believe in forcing relationships. If I can't get along with you comfortably, I don't want to be around you. I don't want to talk to you. I certainly will not ask you for help.
Maybe my needs for other people will improve my social skills. They've been lacking for quite some time now.
I don't think of myself as shy. When I don't talk around someone, it's not because I'm unsure of myself. I'm unsure of them. I don't know them. I have no idea how to make them smile. I have no idea how to get them to pay attention to me. As a result, I study them for a while then slowly start to pull myself in conversations.
Sad to say, but this method doesn't usually work. I either get bored with someone quickly and stop caring, or there's not enough time for me to gain some sort of understanding of them.
Regardless, I'm happy with who I have for now.
I've got no time because I'm always trying to run away.
Kayleah is in the shower.
It's 2:30 in the afternoon, and I've barely spoken fifty words to her.
For now, I just prefer to be on the floor of this room by myself. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. At least when I'm in here she can't see me. If she can't see me, she can't say that I look as though something's wrong. If I look like nothing's wrong, she won't ask me what's bothering me. If she doesn't ask, I don't have to lie.
Not that there really is anything bothering me, I'd just rather be with Chris.
I'll get over it. Maybe skating in Carolina Beach with Lauren today will prove to be a good idea. I need something to steal my concentration.
Later tonight, hopefully it will be alcohol that takes my mind off everything.
It's 2:30 in the afternoon, and I've barely spoken fifty words to her.
For now, I just prefer to be on the floor of this room by myself. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. At least when I'm in here she can't see me. If she can't see me, she can't say that I look as though something's wrong. If I look like nothing's wrong, she won't ask me what's bothering me. If she doesn't ask, I don't have to lie.
Not that there really is anything bothering me, I'd just rather be with Chris.
I'll get over it. Maybe skating in Carolina Beach with Lauren today will prove to be a good idea. I need something to steal my concentration.
Later tonight, hopefully it will be alcohol that takes my mind off everything.
This morning I tried to write.
And, nothing came out.
Nevertheless, good morning, sunshine.
It's nice to see you again.
Nevertheless, good morning, sunshine.
It's nice to see you again.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I spy with my little eye...
Today, while driving Ashley home from CVS, we caught glimpse of a wild Snorlax devouring a gargantuan burger behind the wheel of a mini van.
Sometimes, I love Wilmington.
It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life.
I really need to work on the following:
I hate the fact that Chris' phone is dead. I know he'll call me when he gets a chance. I'm not mad. I'm not worried. I'm just anxious. And, I feel a little more at home when he's around or when I have the chance to talk to him. I know that sounds weird, but I don't believe in home as a place.
I feel that home is abstract. It can be a place. Or, it could be a person. It could be food. It could be your pet. It's just anything that makes you feel comfortable. It's where ever you want to be or who/whatever you want to be with when you're feeling down or disconnected.
Chris is part of my home, and I miss him.
.....like I said, I really need to work on being less clingy.
- Participating more.
- Being less awkward
- Feeling free to speak my mind
- Not being a clingy bitch
I hate the fact that Chris' phone is dead. I know he'll call me when he gets a chance. I'm not mad. I'm not worried. I'm just anxious. And, I feel a little more at home when he's around or when I have the chance to talk to him. I know that sounds weird, but I don't believe in home as a place.
I feel that home is abstract. It can be a place. Or, it could be a person. It could be food. It could be your pet. It's just anything that makes you feel comfortable. It's where ever you want to be or who/whatever you want to be with when you're feeling down or disconnected.
Chris is part of my home, and I miss him.
.....like I said, I really need to work on being less clingy.
Well, I know I want it to be anyway.
Pizza wants to be in our bellies.
Money wants to be in our wallets.
Alcohol really wants to be in our systems.
Money wants to be in our wallets.
Alcohol really wants to be in our systems.
Moments like these never last.
"I think that you are just kinda maybe a little bit cute."
I like little green post-its in my wallet that make me smile.
I dropped Chris off in Virginia yesterday. I really miss him. But, I'll be fine.
Last night in an attempt to make the whole missing Chris thing not so weird, I had a couple of drinks and headed to The Gypsy to see Ashley and smoke some hookah.
It wasn't until after everyone left and it was only me and her that I realized how much I've missed her these past couple of months. I know she's been busy with school and Rocky (which I hope to participate in next month), and she calls me to chill whenever she can, but I haven't spent any alone time with her in what feels like ages. If we ever see each other I'm usually with Kayleah or she's with Sophie or Peaches or someone else. I don't know.
But, it felt amazing to have our stupid, random ass conversations again.
I spent the night with her because sleeping at Chris and Justin's place feels weird without Chris there. As for my place, I haven't spent the night here in some odd number of months. I just don't feel comfortable here. I only come here to walk my dog or have some alone time to write.
Ashley stays on campus. Consequently, on my way out I couldn't help but wonder what exactly I want to do about school. I'm failing miserably. I have no motivation. And, I don't feel as though I fit in there in the least.
Last semester, UNCW was a dream come true. I longed to go to class and stay on campus. In retrospect, this could be because I was living with a god damn dictator of a boyfriend and wasn't really allowed to go anywhere else. If I wasn't at school, I was at home hiding behind the screen of my laptop.
This semester, I've had a "fuck it" attitude from the beginning. I feel as though I've thought long and hard about my future, and I don't believe that school is necessary to my happiness. I could be content having a different job every couple of years, desperately saving to move every few years, and finding time to write on the side in hopes that someone will read.
I don't think it will be as difficult as I make it sound. I do believe that Chris will be there to help me. Call me as naive as you want, but I really can't picture being without him.
I don't really want to drop out, but I don't want to waste four years of my life either. There's always the "taking a year off" option, but I don't see my mother approving of that in the least. I realize that I'm nineteen years old, and I am capable of making my own decisions, but I've always striven for her approval.
Nevertheless, I have decided that I will not be going back to UNCW next year. Cape Fear Community College is a strong possibility as long as I can get accepted, of course. Shit. I really don't know.
In the end, with what ever the hell I choose to do, I want to be happy.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I get this funny feeling deep inside.
I don't really know what I'm doing with this. I guess I'm just trying to help myself write.
This is my pathetic introductory post.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
