I like little green post-its in my wallet that make me smile.
I dropped Chris off in Virginia yesterday. I really miss him. But, I'll be fine.
Last night in an attempt to make the whole missing Chris thing not so weird, I had a couple of drinks and headed to The Gypsy to see Ashley and smoke some hookah.
It wasn't until after everyone left and it was only me and her that I realized how much I've missed her these past couple of months. I know she's been busy with school and Rocky (which I hope to participate in next month), and she calls me to chill whenever she can, but I haven't spent any alone time with her in what feels like ages. If we ever see each other I'm usually with Kayleah or she's with Sophie or Peaches or someone else. I don't know.
But, it felt amazing to have our stupid, random ass conversations again.
I spent the night with her because sleeping at Chris and Justin's place feels weird without Chris there. As for my place, I haven't spent the night here in some odd number of months. I just don't feel comfortable here. I only come here to walk my dog or have some alone time to write.
Ashley stays on campus. Consequently, on my way out I couldn't help but wonder what exactly I want to do about school. I'm failing miserably. I have no motivation. And, I don't feel as though I fit in there in the least.
Last semester, UNCW was a dream come true. I longed to go to class and stay on campus. In retrospect, this could be because I was living with a god damn dictator of a boyfriend and wasn't really allowed to go anywhere else. If I wasn't at school, I was at home hiding behind the screen of my laptop.
This semester, I've had a "fuck it" attitude from the beginning. I feel as though I've thought long and hard about my future, and I don't believe that school is necessary to my happiness. I could be content having a different job every couple of years, desperately saving to move every few years, and finding time to write on the side in hopes that someone will read.
I don't think it will be as difficult as I make it sound. I do believe that Chris will be there to help me. Call me as naive as you want, but I really can't picture being without him.
I don't really want to drop out, but I don't want to waste four years of my life either. There's always the "taking a year off" option, but I don't see my mother approving of that in the least. I realize that I'm nineteen years old, and I am capable of making my own decisions, but I've always striven for her approval.
Nevertheless, I have decided that I will not be going back to UNCW next year. Cape Fear Community College is a strong possibility as long as I can get accepted, of course. Shit. I really don't know.
In the end, with what ever the hell I choose to do, I want to be happy.
No comments:
Post a Comment