So, this is my life. And, I want you to know that I am both happy and sad, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

I hate the taste of beer, but right now, this Sparks is my best friend.
Alkaline Trio is a close second.
And, this comforter is third.

In all honesty, it tastes better after every swig.

I have yet to gather the motivation and energy require to ride to The Gypsy. It's very possible that I stay inside with Kayleah and play drunken Guitar Hero.

Fuck if I know.

Carolina Beach was fun today. I didn't skate, but walking around eating donuts and drinking Coke slushees with Kayleah and Lauren made me smile.

I filled out an application for the Scotchman with the "Career Opportunities Available" sign on Lake Park. Monday I plan on calling back or visiting every place where I filled out an application.

My desperation for a job increased exponentially when I last viewed my bank statement online. Twenty bucks isn't going to last much longer. I know that Chris will help me out, but I don't want to have to rely on him for anything.

I'm nineteen years old. I moved out of my mom's house a year ago. I don't think it would be healthy for me to have someone else take care of me, even though I know he would if necessary.

It's sad to say, but as much as I want to be self sufficient, I don't think that will ever be the case. I'll probably always need a room mate, a friend, a boyfriend, a family member or someone to help me out with bills. This could be motivation for me to stay in school, or it could be determination to keep my ties with those close to me strong.

My guess is it's actually neither.

I don't care about school right now. I hate UNCW. I'm so different from anyone there. I don't think they're better than me or that I'm better than them, I just feel as though they have a completely different mindset than I do. I don't believe this is a bad thing for me or them. I just feel as though a place that makes them happy will never do the same for me.

I also don't believe in forcing relationships. If I can't get along with you comfortably, I don't want to be around you. I don't want to talk to you. I certainly will not ask you for help.

Maybe my needs for other people will improve my social skills. They've been lacking for quite some time now.

I don't think of myself as shy. When I don't talk around someone, it's not because I'm unsure of myself. I'm unsure of them. I don't know them. I have no idea how to make them smile. I have no idea how to get them to pay attention to me. As a result, I study them for a while then slowly start to pull myself in conversations.

Sad to say, but this method doesn't usually work. I either get bored with someone quickly and stop caring, or there's not enough time for me to gain some sort of understanding of them.

Regardless, I'm happy with who I have for now.